Since it’s Halloween, today I want to talk about something scary…

😱Terrifying.

🩻Bone-chilling.

😵Deeply disturbing.

It’s the dreaded… vulnerability hangover.

*shudder*

If you’ve ever had this experience I bet you know exactly what I mean. But in case you’re not sure whether you’ve encountered such a monster, here’s an example.

A handful of years ago I met with a relatively new client for coffee. We were still in the “getting to know you” phase then, and I was thrilled to get to spend some 1:1 time with them.

We had a great conversation, chatting about business but also about ourselves. It’s worth noting perhaps that while I LOVE thoughtful, in-person conversations, I can also suffer from some social anxiety. In the past decade, I’ve made a point of showing up as myself, making sure to contribute and let people see who I am. While I feel a million times more comfortable being myself these days, I can still sometimes feel anxious even after a conversation has gone well.

Which is exactly what happened here. After a lovely meeting, we said goodbye for the evening and parted ways.

But as I walked down into the steps of the subway, something started to come over me…

I couldn’t see it or touch it but I knew it was there…

A sense of foreboding. Of worry. A snail of discomfort in the pit of my stomach. I knew it was coming... the dreaded vulnerability hangover.

Vulnerability hangovers (as I like to call them) can surface any time you’ve been vulnerable. Even if you’ve had a great experience in the moment, they can creep up afterwards, causing you to second guess what you said or did, and wonder/worry about how people may have reacted to what you shared.

The more vulnerable we’ve been, the more ferocious the vulnerability hangovers may be. They love to surface after things like:

➡️ a job interview
➡️ a client pitch or sales call
➡️ public speaking or giving a big presentation
➡️ sharing delicate thoughts and feelings with someone
➡️ having a difficult / crucial conversation (personal or professional)
➡️ publishing, like a blog post, article or book, especially if it means a lot to you
➡️ guesting on a podcast
➡️ and more.

If you ever get hit with vulnerability hangovers (or discomfort when communicating in general), here’s what you need to know.

First off, fear and discomfort are part of the process. They are a normal part of communicating. Effective, meaningful communications demand that we put ourselves out there, to share something of who we are. When we care about what we’re saying, and we care about who we’re trying to connect with, the stakes always feel high.

Secondly, a vulnerability hangover isn’t necessarily a clue that you did something wrong. But even if you did, that’s okay too.

In the example I just shared, I had a massive vulnerability hangover for no reason at all. I didn’t say or do anything wrong; in fact, I believe my honesty and openness that day helped set the tone for a great, lasting working relationship. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t times where I would say or do things differently.

After all, you will change your mind about some of the things you’ve said or written in your lifetime. (If you haven’t, you’re probably not growing or changing much, and that in itself is a scary thought.) Everyone second guesses themselves sometimes, or wishes for a bit of a do-over. Who among us has not laid awake on at least one occasion, recounting and regretting something they said? All we can do is approach our communications with consideration and conscientiousness, and continue to revise and make adjustments as we go.

Essentially, navigating vulnerability when communicating comes down to a simple choice.

We can either try to avoid the fear — by not speaking or writing, by holding back, by trying to please everyone, and twisting ourselves into a pretzel to make sure we’re communicating exactly right all the time. Or we can embrace the fear and ride that vulnerability wave every time it shows up.

(By the way, if you’ve ever tried the former option, you know it’s not all fun and games either. You can still have an inauthenticity hangover, the kind of gross feeling where you know you weren’t really being totally truthful or true to yourself. Feeling unseen and hidden is awful. At least with the vulnerability hangover you know you were brave enough to give it a shot.)

We can even go a step further and lean into the chance to boldly commit, treating the moment as an opportunity to lean further into the vulnerability. Dare to be authentic. To bring yourself into the game.

As Lucille Ball said, “I am not funny. What I am is brave.”

So, in honour of Halloween, maybe this is your moment to be brave. Look for a chance to commit big. Show us who you are. Ride that wave of fear and vulnerability.

*Did you know there was a B movie called Dracula in Malibu? No? Well, now you do — you’re welcome.*

If you’d like some ideas on how to do all this, check out today’s Coaching with Cam podcast episode.

I provide tips to handle vulnerability and fear while bringing more authenticity to your communications.

Check it out here: my website, Spotify, Apple, Google, Amazon, and anywhere else you listen to podcasts.

Meanwhile, keep being your bold and brave self. On Halloween, and always.

Vulnerability hangovers: EEK!