I’ve got another great guest on the podcast today, but first, let’s tackle a communications FAQ.

A little while ago, a fellow businessperson (let’s call them Ryan) posed the question: can you disagree publicly without being a jerk?

Ryan’s quandary was this: someone they know, who is a high-profile person in their shared field, has LOTS to say. This “expert” shares a lot of advice (and in turn, products and services) with their audiences on social media.

Ryan was getting rankled because they strongly disagree with what the “expert” was trying to say. They were feeling tempted to call him out, or at least, publicly challenge him. But they didn’t want to come across as rude or obnoxious.

Should they hold their tongue? Or find a way to disagree politely?

Here are some points to consider if you find yourself facing a similar issue:

Point 1 - Develop your own POV

I do think it’s possible to disagree publicly without being a jerk. After all, critical thinking, debate, and constructive criticism all have their place. You can share a difference of opinion without having to go full on thunderdome. (Which is maybe something to keep in mind over the holidays this year.)

But I also think it’s possible to disagree with someone else’s stance — and more to the point, develop your own stance — rather than calling out someone specifically. In other words, cultivate your own views, and share them. Speak publicly about YOUR opinion (and perhaps why it runs counter to common ideas / other people’s views). Put the emphasis on why you have come to these conclusions while respectfully acknowledging others may differ.

For example, you might say something like: “Popular opinion is to do XYZ. But I’m a fan of doing ABC. Here’s why…”

Point 2 - Use your frustration as a path forward

Rather than spending our energy hating on someone else (which ultimately goes nowhere), we can choose to use our frustration as a jumping off point for developing our own thinking, and creating something of value.

In fact, I think these kinds of annoyances can serve as useful prompts for generating and refining our own views, as long as we focus on using them for our own productivity and development (as opposed to stewing in irritation.)

For example, if someone has said something that really bugs you, what specifically do you disagree with? Why do you care? What would be better if people followed your way vs their way? What do you want people to know or think or feel instead? And so on.

Contemplating these questions is not only more productive, it may lead you into new, fruitful territory. You can get to know your ideas better and maybe even discover some new angles or story ideas.

Point 3 - Go find something else to do.

If you find yourself caught up in how other people are behaving, one personal prompt I use is “go find something else to do.”

This little heuristic reminds me to shift my brain from focusing on other people, or stuff that bugs me, and towards the thing(s) I WANT to be thinking about. Like, my own ideas and projects.

I use this to stop worrying too much about what other people are doing and use my time and energy to develop my own perspective and my own work. If you find yourself getting caught up in thinking about “the other guy”, give it a shot.

Point 4 - Let your values guide you

Another tool you can use: your values. I often ask myself — how do I want to show up? What are the values I want to practice?

The fact is, loads of people are going to operate without integrity or say and do things we don’t agree with. I can’t control all that. But I do get to control how I do business, where I put my focus, what ethics and principles I abide by, and so on.

When you know without a doubt that you’re living true to your values, a lot of this stuff gets easier. (Today’s podcast guest has more to say about this by the way.)

Point 5 - Behave the way you would in public

A final point: an adage often used in PR is this: would you like to see [whatever you’re saying/doing] on the front page of the New York Times?

It’s good to speak your mind and stand up for what you believe is right, but keep whatever comments you make professional and make sure they align with your brand and (as per above) your values. Even if you’re in a closed chat group, Slack, an email thread, etc., remember that anything “private” can easily be made public.

Moreover, make sure you’re acting in congruence with the person you want to be, and how the people who hold you in high regard (like your employees, your customers, or your kids!) would expect you to act.

The common thread: As you can probably see, I see this kind of frustrating moment as an opportunity to focus on yourself: your ideas, your unique POV, your values, your mission.

This is not selfish, rather it’s a way to do your best work. It’s how we move forward in a positive direction despite what’s going on around us. It’s how we lead.

And that is EXACTLY what Dr. Rachel Miller, and I get into on the latest episode of the podcast.

Dr. Rachel Miller, a distinguished board-certified Obstetrician & Gynecologist, expertly combines her medical expertise with her passion for leadership development.

As a Certified Executive Coach and author of “How to Succeed as a Healthcare Leader,” Dr. Miller is dedicated to empowering healthcare leaders to drive meaningful change within their organizations and their private practices. She offers transformative guidance to physician executives and front-line leaders through her company, Pocket Bridges.

In our conversation, Dr. Miller discusses the importance of investing in your own self development, and how that can help you positively influence other people and situations you’d like to change.

In our discussion, Rachel comments on the American healthcare system, but there’s wide applicability here for anyone who wants to be a better leader or effect change around them.

Have a listen on my website, Spotify, Apple, Google, Amazon, and anywhere else you listen to podcasts.

How to disagree publicly without being a jerk